Certain boy is being irrationally and excessively stupid. This is why I usually try to refrain from getting too emotionally attached to people. I don't like him in that way anymore, and he is also no longer one of my close friends. Barely a friend at all.

Oh, how I despise drama. Rarely am I ever directly involved.

I'll leave it at this. He is a player. Seriously. I'd suspected that, but wasn't entirely sure. I am resisting a strong urge to hit him every time I see him, because he's caused a lot of tears amongst my friends. Yet I'm not actually supposed to know. He has a girlfriend, and a few days ago, he asked one of my close friends, who has a boyfriend, to kiss him. She said no, and she told me to not tell anyone. No one is addressed by names here, so we're okay.

This is all just dumb. Teenagers in general hold onto things for too long. Not to say that what he did wasn't wrong and hurtful, but you have to let things go, and realize that it's not going to work out, and don't keep trying again. You'll just end up getting hurt.

I passed that "MY BOYFRIEND. MY BOYFRIEND." phase a long time ago.

It feels weird not really having anyone's arms you can fall into and cry when your life is rapidly deteriorating. (It could get better, though.) The problem is, almost all boys I know either:

A) are extremely obnoxious and immature at handling situations.
B) don't understand me.
C) already have a girlfriend.

And if they aren't any of those things, then they're usually either

A) gay
B) on drugs
C) far away

Well, long distance relationships can work. But still. If you don't ever have anyone's arms to fall into or a shoulder to cry on, etc...

I'm going to get my butt out of here as soon as I can. And move very far away. :)

I'm going to go ahead and admit that I have a problem. First, I'll explain the situation. Last year, I... had a problem. An emotional problem. I almost did something. If I had done that, I would have never met many of the people I love to death. You can go ahead and infer.

So that went away for quite a while, started back for a few days or weeks, even hours, then went away. When it isn't/wasn't there, I feel really happy and like I can do anything and that everything's going to be ok and super happy happy happy etc etc etc. It just happens out of the blue most of the time. Sometimes, something really minor will trigger it. But when it is there, there's just something inside my head just screaming dismality. Complete sorrow. Worthlessness. Just terrible self-hatred. AND BY THE WAY, I KNOW IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF AUNT FLO'S MONTHLY VISITS.

I don't know if it's bipolarity or just recurring depression. I don't really want to talk to my mom about it because I feel like I did something wrong... I know I haven't, but still... I just go through periods of possessing a deep hatred for myself. Then it goes away, and sometimes, I like myself a good deal. Eh, well, maybe some people understand. I don't really know anymore. It's kinda hard to explain.

Let's be happy now. So, I figured out how to play Holiday by Green Day on guitar by ear. Some people are like "wow, how the heck do you do that?" and I tell them that I don't really know how. It just kinda happens sometimes. You play a chord, it sounds like the song, you find the second chord, and it stems from there. The DC trip our school is going to take is postponed until late April or May because of the weather. :( At least it will be warmer.

Jude kept telling me today that certain boy and I would make a really cute couple. We were talking about going somewhere with a bunch of people on Friday because the trip is postponed... something's going to happen if we go somewhere. Seriously. Should I be scared? No, and I'm not really. More so anxious. I don't know. Then again, we'll be completely alone in the hallway for a few minutes tomorrow after school. Izzy, don't rush things. Just let them happen on their own. By the way, I worry about certain boy sometimes. I love him (because he's one of my best friends) and... blah. He concerns me. Not too terribly, but still.

That was a lot to say. I hope I didn't scare you. I'm sorry if I did. xD

desperate, but not hopeless

YESTERDAY MORNING I WAS HOLDING MY FRIEND'S HAND BECAUSE HER MOM HAS REALLY BAD CANCER AND IS IN THE HOSPITAL AND SHE WAS REALLY SAD, THEN CERTAIN BOY WAS JUST LIKE "WHAT, YOU'RE HOLDING HER HAND?"

And then we were just sitting in the gym for five or ten minutes holding hands. He has an infatuation with one of my good friends, who is in the grade below us, and she has a boyfriend, and I told her about how certain boy constantly talks about her, and she said that she did like him last year, but she's really happy with her boyfriend now.

You know what quite a few people want to tell him? "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO OUT WITH HER. GIVE UP. YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE THAT YOU LIKE THAT ALSO LIKES YOU..."

We're going on a trip together to DC with our school. You just know something's going to happen. Friday. Uh oh. Seriously. :D

I sort of worry about him sometimes... he can get kind of self-destructive. Well, or he used to. Either way, I think he loses hope sometimes... and I'm the one that's relentlessly optimistic. I don't lose hope. Well, you know, living in today's world, of course I do sometimes, but you just have to learn to deal with things, maybe cry a little, and then just move on.

We're just disasters.

Currently, I'm debating whether to get a Les Paul Studio or a starter bass... I have barely enough in my life savings to buy a Les Paul. (Yeah, I know I'm not exactly a rich person.) I'm thinking I should just use that, because about 400-500 of that is money I've saved for a Les Paul over quite a few years. Then I'd just work my butt off for the next several years until I could pay the other 300-400 back that I didn't save.

Doesn't sound like too bad of an idea. I can't even play bass (yet!), but my guitar teacher says it's not too hard to learn once you play guitar. I think I'd still put guitar before bass, meaning I'd prefer to be the guitarist in a band rather than the bassist, but it would be nice to know and bassists can be hard to find, so I could be a band's bassist if they needed me to.

'Sometimes, I look at the night sky and wonder. Question. To think that there's something... because nothing lasts forever.'

'I'd love to tell you about it, but you probably would never fully understand.'

In the luminescence of the stars, under a clear night, we waited. We waited for each other to say something. Yet both of us were so nervous that we couldn't say anything. Or at least we thought so.

I went to Lauren's birthday party last night. It was fun. That certain boy is still confusing me. But we were alone in the backyard, and he told me he loved me. He's said that before, quite often in fact, but over text message. Later, he hugged me really close, and he wouldn't let go. I said 'This is awkward...' (not really meaning it) and he said 'Well, it's kind of a relationship hug.' Though he's not my boyfriend. (Yet.) Then we were laying on the couch with a bunch of people and he had his arm around me. He kept putting his arm around me the whole night. Near the beginning of the party, he pulled me aside and said 'You know what we should do?' 'What?' 'Nevermind...' I kinda have a strange feeling he almost kissed me, knowing him and having a good understanding of how boy's minds work. I think he thought about it several times. He's one of my best friends... I know how he is.

It would be nice if things could turn out right, turn out right for once.

[DON'T THINK I'LL EVER SEE THE DAY!... At the end of the longest line, that's where i will always be. If you need to find me, just go to the end of the longest line... I don't belong, this world is much too dangerous for someone lacking luck, like me.]

Anyways, I'll focus on my weird friends and what we did. Well, we kept running across the street (yes, I recognize that we're unbelievably smart) and of course, it's a relatively busy street... Then we got in Lauren's mom's car and had a party. Her little brother (who is 10) got on the roof, and we weren't too worried about that. I mean we were, but as far as him falling through, no. Then Shelby decided to get on the roof. Shelby is definitely not overweight, but she's a teenage girl. Big difference from a ten year old boy. So Sarah and I ran out of the car. And then everyone duct taped Ryan. And carried him to the bed room. And put him on the bed and left him there, and then he broke the duct tape, and ran outside, then Spencer, Alec, and Lauren's dog were all attacking Ryan. It was pretty weird.

Tristan was sitting in the chair, then Zara went and sat beside her. Tristan told me to sit on the other side. Leland walked over and sat on my lap. He fell off. xD. Then I told Tristan about the thing Cassidy made up where you go up to someone and start rubbing their arm and say 'You're so weird!' Tristan said that you should rub their face instead. (Then she did that to me. o_O. It was really strange.) Then she decided that we should rub their teeth instead if they don't have braces. So she did that to me. And we started rubbing each other's teeth at random times. :D Her boyfriend (who is one of my friends and does really weird things) saw us and jokingly asked if it was religious. We told him we were in the teeth-rubbing cult.