I'm going to go ahead and admit that I have a problem. First, I'll explain the situation. Last year, I... had a problem. An emotional problem. I almost did something. If I had done that, I would have never met many of the people I love to death. You can go ahead and infer.
So that went away for quite a while, started back for a few days or weeks, even hours, then went away. When it isn't/wasn't there, I feel really happy and like I can do anything and that everything's going to be ok and super happy happy happy etc etc etc. It just happens out of the blue most of the time. Sometimes, something really minor will trigger it. But when it is there, there's just something inside my head just screaming dismality. Complete sorrow. Worthlessness. Just terrible self-hatred. AND BY THE WAY, I KNOW IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF AUNT FLO'S MONTHLY VISITS.
I don't know if it's bipolarity or just recurring depression. I don't really want to talk to my mom about it because I feel like I did something wrong... I know I haven't, but still... I just go through periods of possessing a deep hatred for myself. Then it goes away, and sometimes, I like myself a good deal. Eh, well, maybe some people understand. I don't really know anymore. It's kinda hard to explain.
Let's be happy now. So, I figured out how to play Holiday by Green Day on guitar by ear. Some people are like "wow, how the heck do you do that?" and I tell them that I don't really know how. It just kinda happens sometimes. You play a chord, it sounds like the song, you find the second chord, and it stems from there. The DC trip our school is going to take is postponed until late April or May because of the weather. :( At least it will be warmer.
Jude kept telling me today that certain boy and I would make a really cute couple. We were talking about going somewhere with a bunch of people on Friday because the trip is postponed... something's going to happen if we go somewhere. Seriously. Should I be scared? No, and I'm not really. More so anxious. I don't know. Then again, we'll be completely alone in the hallway for a few minutes tomorrow after school. Izzy, don't rush things. Just let them happen on their own. By the way, I worry about certain boy sometimes. I love him (because he's one of my best friends) and... blah. He concerns me. Not too terribly, but still.
That was a lot to say. I hope I didn't scare you. I'm sorry if I did. xD
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
desperate, but not hopeless
YESTERDAY MORNING I WAS HOLDING MY FRIEND'S HAND BECAUSE HER MOM HAS REALLY BAD CANCER AND IS IN THE HOSPITAL AND SHE WAS REALLY SAD, THEN CERTAIN BOY WAS JUST LIKE "WHAT, YOU'RE HOLDING HER HAND?"
And then we were just sitting in the gym for five or ten minutes holding hands. He has an infatuation with one of my good friends, who is in the grade below us, and she has a boyfriend, and I told her about how certain boy constantly talks about her, and she said that she did like him last year, but she's really happy with her boyfriend now.
You know what quite a few people want to tell him? "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO OUT WITH HER. GIVE UP. YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE THAT YOU LIKE THAT ALSO LIKES YOU..."
We're going on a trip together to DC with our school. You just know something's going to happen. Friday. Uh oh. Seriously. :D
I sort of worry about him sometimes... he can get kind of self-destructive. Well, or he used to. Either way, I think he loses hope sometimes... and I'm the one that's relentlessly optimistic. I don't lose hope. Well, you know, living in today's world, of course I do sometimes, but you just have to learn to deal with things, maybe cry a little, and then just move on.
We're just disasters.
Currently, I'm debating whether to get a Les Paul Studio or a starter bass... I have barely enough in my life savings to buy a Les Paul. (Yeah, I know I'm not exactly a rich person.) I'm thinking I should just use that, because about 400-500 of that is money I've saved for a Les Paul over quite a few years. Then I'd just work my butt off for the next several years until I could pay the other 300-400 back that I didn't save.
Doesn't sound like too bad of an idea. I can't even play bass (yet!), but my guitar teacher says it's not too hard to learn once you play guitar. I think I'd still put guitar before bass, meaning I'd prefer to be the guitarist in a band rather than the bassist, but it would be nice to know and bassists can be hard to find, so I could be a band's bassist if they needed me to.
And then we were just sitting in the gym for five or ten minutes holding hands. He has an infatuation with one of my good friends, who is in the grade below us, and she has a boyfriend, and I told her about how certain boy constantly talks about her, and she said that she did like him last year, but she's really happy with her boyfriend now.
You know what quite a few people want to tell him? "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO OUT WITH HER. GIVE UP. YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE THAT YOU LIKE THAT ALSO LIKES YOU..."
We're going on a trip together to DC with our school. You just know something's going to happen. Friday. Uh oh. Seriously. :D
I sort of worry about him sometimes... he can get kind of self-destructive. Well, or he used to. Either way, I think he loses hope sometimes... and I'm the one that's relentlessly optimistic. I don't lose hope. Well, you know, living in today's world, of course I do sometimes, but you just have to learn to deal with things, maybe cry a little, and then just move on.
We're just disasters.
Currently, I'm debating whether to get a Les Paul Studio or a starter bass... I have barely enough in my life savings to buy a Les Paul. (Yeah, I know I'm not exactly a rich person.) I'm thinking I should just use that, because about 400-500 of that is money I've saved for a Les Paul over quite a few years. Then I'd just work my butt off for the next several years until I could pay the other 300-400 back that I didn't save.
Doesn't sound like too bad of an idea. I can't even play bass (yet!), but my guitar teacher says it's not too hard to learn once you play guitar. I think I'd still put guitar before bass, meaning I'd prefer to be the guitarist in a band rather than the bassist, but it would be nice to know and bassists can be hard to find, so I could be a band's bassist if they needed me to.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
'Sometimes, I look at the night sky and wonder. Question. To think that there's something... because nothing lasts forever.'
'I'd love to tell you about it, but you probably would never fully understand.'
In the luminescence of the stars, under a clear night, we waited. We waited for each other to say something. Yet both of us were so nervous that we couldn't say anything. Or at least we thought so.
I went to Lauren's birthday party last night. It was fun. That certain boy is still confusing me. But we were alone in the backyard, and he told me he loved me. He's said that before, quite often in fact, but over text message. Later, he hugged me really close, and he wouldn't let go. I said 'This is awkward...' (not really meaning it) and he said 'Well, it's kind of a relationship hug.' Though he's not my boyfriend. (Yet.) Then we were laying on the couch with a bunch of people and he had his arm around me. He kept putting his arm around me the whole night. Near the beginning of the party, he pulled me aside and said 'You know what we should do?' 'What?' 'Nevermind...' I kinda have a strange feeling he almost kissed me, knowing him and having a good understanding of how boy's minds work. I think he thought about it several times. He's one of my best friends... I know how he is.
It would be nice if things could turn out right, turn out right for once.
[DON'T THINK I'LL EVER SEE THE DAY!... At the end of the longest line, that's where i will always be. If you need to find me, just go to the end of the longest line... I don't belong, this world is much too dangerous for someone lacking luck, like me.]
Anyways, I'll focus on my weird friends and what we did. Well, we kept running across the street (yes, I recognize that we're unbelievably smart) and of course, it's a relatively busy street... Then we got in Lauren's mom's car and had a party. Her little brother (who is 10) got on the roof, and we weren't too worried about that. I mean we were, but as far as him falling through, no. Then Shelby decided to get on the roof. Shelby is definitely not overweight, but she's a teenage girl. Big difference from a ten year old boy. So Sarah and I ran out of the car. And then everyone duct taped Ryan. And carried him to the bed room. And put him on the bed and left him there, and then he broke the duct tape, and ran outside, then Spencer, Alec, and Lauren's dog were all attacking Ryan. It was pretty weird.
Tristan was sitting in the chair, then Zara went and sat beside her. Tristan told me to sit on the other side. Leland walked over and sat on my lap. He fell off. xD. Then I told Tristan about the thing Cassidy made up where you go up to someone and start rubbing their arm and say 'You're so weird!' Tristan said that you should rub their face instead. (Then she did that to me. o_O. It was really strange.) Then she decided that we should rub their teeth instead if they don't have braces. So she did that to me. And we started rubbing each other's teeth at random times. :D Her boyfriend (who is one of my friends and does really weird things) saw us and jokingly asked if it was religious. We told him we were in the teeth-rubbing cult.
'I'd love to tell you about it, but you probably would never fully understand.'
In the luminescence of the stars, under a clear night, we waited. We waited for each other to say something. Yet both of us were so nervous that we couldn't say anything. Or at least we thought so.
I went to Lauren's birthday party last night. It was fun. That certain boy is still confusing me. But we were alone in the backyard, and he told me he loved me. He's said that before, quite often in fact, but over text message. Later, he hugged me really close, and he wouldn't let go. I said 'This is awkward...' (not really meaning it) and he said 'Well, it's kind of a relationship hug.' Though he's not my boyfriend. (Yet.) Then we were laying on the couch with a bunch of people and he had his arm around me. He kept putting his arm around me the whole night. Near the beginning of the party, he pulled me aside and said 'You know what we should do?' 'What?' 'Nevermind...' I kinda have a strange feeling he almost kissed me, knowing him and having a good understanding of how boy's minds work. I think he thought about it several times. He's one of my best friends... I know how he is.
It would be nice if things could turn out right, turn out right for once.
[DON'T THINK I'LL EVER SEE THE DAY!... At the end of the longest line, that's where i will always be. If you need to find me, just go to the end of the longest line... I don't belong, this world is much too dangerous for someone lacking luck, like me.]
Anyways, I'll focus on my weird friends and what we did. Well, we kept running across the street (yes, I recognize that we're unbelievably smart) and of course, it's a relatively busy street... Then we got in Lauren's mom's car and had a party. Her little brother (who is 10) got on the roof, and we weren't too worried about that. I mean we were, but as far as him falling through, no. Then Shelby decided to get on the roof. Shelby is definitely not overweight, but she's a teenage girl. Big difference from a ten year old boy. So Sarah and I ran out of the car. And then everyone duct taped Ryan. And carried him to the bed room. And put him on the bed and left him there, and then he broke the duct tape, and ran outside, then Spencer, Alec, and Lauren's dog were all attacking Ryan. It was pretty weird.
Tristan was sitting in the chair, then Zara went and sat beside her. Tristan told me to sit on the other side. Leland walked over and sat on my lap. He fell off. xD. Then I told Tristan about the thing Cassidy made up where you go up to someone and start rubbing their arm and say 'You're so weird!' Tristan said that you should rub their face instead. (Then she did that to me. o_O. It was really strange.) Then she decided that we should rub their teeth instead if they don't have braces. So she did that to me. And we started rubbing each other's teeth at random times. :D Her boyfriend (who is one of my friends and does really weird things) saw us and jokingly asked if it was religious. We told him we were in the teeth-rubbing cult.
Friday, February 12, 2010
awkward and/or inappropriate/disgusting things my friends say
1. We were talking about showing good behavior in the hallways, because our school really has a problem with that, and then Chris, who says ridiculous things constantly, said
"Ms. Steger, someone drew a picture of a penis above my locker and it won't come off."
2. Teska, out of the blue when we're on the bleachers in the gym
"SPOILED BREASTMILK!"
3. Teska, in the same situation as above, the next day
"EXPIRED SPERM!"
4. Just sitting in the cafeteria, someone says something about pregnancy, then Cassidy said
"Gordan, you're pregnant?!"
5. "CASSIDY, MACK GOT MAD AT ME AND SHE'S TRYING TO CUT MY BUTT OFF!" - me
6. We were walking and Frances looked really sad. Tj kept asking her what was wrong, and she didn't say anything. I told him that it might be because he's a boy and he doesn't understand. Then he said really loud
"FRANCES, ARE YOU ON YOUR PERIOD?" [by the way, she said no]
7. We were talking about how boys should be glad that they don't have to deal with Aunt Flo's monthly visits and all the pain involved. Tj said
"So you're saying it doesn't hurt when guys get kicked in the balls? Well girls just don't understand. You all just have... like, a uteral or something."
8. One of my best friends (I'm not going to say who it is, in case someone who goes to my school reads this.) and I were walking to the buses together and he told me to grab his arm so he can pretend he's being held against his will and walk back with him to get another friend. I think he just likes us almost holding hands, but anyways, we were walking back, and another one of my best friends, Katie, (who knows that my other best friend and I like each other) saw us and said
"Is there something going on between you two now?"
He looked really embarrassed and quickly said "No" :)
9. Tori and I hugged each other several times when we were sitting in the gym with everyone, where we have to wait before school starts if we get there early. Amanda, who was sitting behind us, said
"Were y'all making out?"
"No...?"
"Well it looked like you were." She cracked up, and so did Leland and us, too.
10. Tori and Tj were fighting over me in the gym. Tori was hugging me, and Tj said
"Give it back! It's mine!"
"...it?" Then he just started laughing.
i love my friends. dearly.
and if something doesn't happen soon, regarding the certain best friend, well, i'll make something happen. okay, that sounded creepy. but you get what i mean, right?
"Ms. Steger, someone drew a picture of a penis above my locker and it won't come off."
2. Teska, out of the blue when we're on the bleachers in the gym
"SPOILED BREASTMILK!"
3. Teska, in the same situation as above, the next day
"EXPIRED SPERM!"
4. Just sitting in the cafeteria, someone says something about pregnancy, then Cassidy said
"Gordan, you're pregnant?!"
5. "CASSIDY, MACK GOT MAD AT ME AND SHE'S TRYING TO CUT MY BUTT OFF!" - me
6. We were walking and Frances looked really sad. Tj kept asking her what was wrong, and she didn't say anything. I told him that it might be because he's a boy and he doesn't understand. Then he said really loud
"FRANCES, ARE YOU ON YOUR PERIOD?" [by the way, she said no]
7. We were talking about how boys should be glad that they don't have to deal with Aunt Flo's monthly visits and all the pain involved. Tj said
"So you're saying it doesn't hurt when guys get kicked in the balls? Well girls just don't understand. You all just have... like, a uteral or something."
8. One of my best friends (I'm not going to say who it is, in case someone who goes to my school reads this.) and I were walking to the buses together and he told me to grab his arm so he can pretend he's being held against his will and walk back with him to get another friend. I think he just likes us almost holding hands, but anyways, we were walking back, and another one of my best friends, Katie, (who knows that my other best friend and I like each other) saw us and said
"Is there something going on between you two now?"
He looked really embarrassed and quickly said "No" :)
9. Tori and I hugged each other several times when we were sitting in the gym with everyone, where we have to wait before school starts if we get there early. Amanda, who was sitting behind us, said
"Were y'all making out?"
"No...?"
"Well it looked like you were." She cracked up, and so did Leland and us, too.
10. Tori and Tj were fighting over me in the gym. Tori was hugging me, and Tj said
"Give it back! It's mine!"
"...it?" Then he just started laughing.
i love my friends. dearly.
and if something doesn't happen soon, regarding the certain best friend, well, i'll make something happen. okay, that sounded creepy. but you get what i mean, right?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
well... so...
I'm going to be a teenager and go ahead and say that 100 Words by AFI kind of describes my life right now, in a way. As Davey Havok, the vocalist, said, it can be taken anyway you want, and this the way I take it.
This is the final night, boys.
Tomorrow, I'll be a different person.
We are the cracks in diamond walls.
We aren't perfect, in a world of perfection, or so it seems.
I tried to illuminate, but the shadows kill. I'm overshadowed.
I tried to appeal towards someone, but things have happened. I was forgotten, mislead.
See how I blend in with nothing?
I'm lost amongst a sea of other people that honestly don't mean much to someone.
Now beautiful boys, let's destroy.
Let's forget what happened and try to fix these things that happened.
We'll shine as the lucite breaks and falls.
We'll just watch those who aren't honest slowly fall apart.
Raise the new glitter god with the golden tears - the tears that swallow.
Set a new standard, and make others drawn to it and encased.
A smile that's touched so warms nothing.
Someone I tried to appealed to shows fake emotion.
Yesterday I burnt the sky, looked to the ground and wrapped it around me.
Yesterday, I messed so much up, and started a new chapter of life. I got confused and angry.
Still today I have so much to burn.
Today, I have a lot of things to change.
Yesterday I longed to die, fell to the ground and the ground caught me.
Yesterday, I was very resentful and felt I did something wrong. What I got mad at, saved me.
Now today I question why I fell.
Today, I wonder why I felt that way.
Deities fell to decoys, tainting what's pure.
What we thought was amazing was fake, and just messed everyone up.
Let's cleanse them all.
We need to fix everyone and that which was fake.
Infinite life reclaimed, as the shadows kill, they're overshadowed.
We're going to make this revolution endure forever. Things will happen, and hide the wretched.
We'll burn as they fade into nothing.
We'll glow and feel pain as the wretched slowly disappear.
So what can help me, to understand, somehow, why it always pains me to breathe?
I have absolutely no idea why I keep hurting inside whenever I try to calm down.
We're no longer confined because yesterday I burnt the sky.
I messed up and changed so much, but maybe it could have a good outcome in the end.
Crap happened yesterday. It wasn't entirely my fault, but partially, I think. Yet it changed me, I think. I'll try to fix all the drama involved with it on Monday.
This is the final night, boys.
Tomorrow, I'll be a different person.
We are the cracks in diamond walls.
We aren't perfect, in a world of perfection, or so it seems.
I tried to illuminate, but the shadows kill. I'm overshadowed.
I tried to appeal towards someone, but things have happened. I was forgotten, mislead.
See how I blend in with nothing?
I'm lost amongst a sea of other people that honestly don't mean much to someone.
Now beautiful boys, let's destroy.
Let's forget what happened and try to fix these things that happened.
We'll shine as the lucite breaks and falls.
We'll just watch those who aren't honest slowly fall apart.
Raise the new glitter god with the golden tears - the tears that swallow.
Set a new standard, and make others drawn to it and encased.
A smile that's touched so warms nothing.
Someone I tried to appealed to shows fake emotion.
Yesterday I burnt the sky, looked to the ground and wrapped it around me.
Yesterday, I messed so much up, and started a new chapter of life. I got confused and angry.
Still today I have so much to burn.
Today, I have a lot of things to change.
Yesterday I longed to die, fell to the ground and the ground caught me.
Yesterday, I was very resentful and felt I did something wrong. What I got mad at, saved me.
Now today I question why I fell.
Today, I wonder why I felt that way.
Deities fell to decoys, tainting what's pure.
What we thought was amazing was fake, and just messed everyone up.
Let's cleanse them all.
We need to fix everyone and that which was fake.
Infinite life reclaimed, as the shadows kill, they're overshadowed.
We're going to make this revolution endure forever. Things will happen, and hide the wretched.
We'll burn as they fade into nothing.
We'll glow and feel pain as the wretched slowly disappear.
So what can help me, to understand, somehow, why it always pains me to breathe?
I have absolutely no idea why I keep hurting inside whenever I try to calm down.
We're no longer confined because yesterday I burnt the sky.
I messed up and changed so much, but maybe it could have a good outcome in the end.
Crap happened yesterday. It wasn't entirely my fault, but partially, I think. Yet it changed me, I think. I'll try to fix all the drama involved with it on Monday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
