The time that we kill keeps us alive.

Well, well, well. You're likely to judge me for this, but it's my personal beliefs and I'm not going to force anything onto you or judge you. But I don't care.

I found God. No, I'm not kidding. I found Jesus. Here's my story.

Eight months ago, I lost all faith in God. Everything. I became an atheist. For a while there, I was almost depressed. Just the thought of nothing being there. What made it worse was that I knew people who were probably going to die soon. The evidence that stated God wasn't there was just overwhelming. I felt like crying for hours. Not really out of guilt, as much as sadness. It got better after a few months, but there was still an emptiness in my heart. I learned to ignore it. I found a group of people who had the same beliefs. They helped me feel better about myself.

However, over the past weekend, something changed.

On the second day of our youth group beach retreat, we had a devotion about whether we were living life with a "plastic Jesus" or a "real Jesus." That really hit home. A plastic Jesus meant that you just said you were a Christian. You didn't really believe in Jesus. You just faked it, went to church, and did all of those other "Christian things." Well, you know, probably about five people knew I was an atheist. I guess where it officially happened was during the morning devotion on the last day. First of all, we bought a kite from Walmart for a dollar. Somehow, we had gotten it all the way up in the sky. Way above the hotel building. We had to go inside for the morning devotion. So we tied it to a fence post. More than an hour later, we looked out a window, and it was still up there. Now, I'm not saying I suddenly believed in God because of the kite. It's actually quite hard to change my beliefs. It was simply amazing, though. During the devotion, all of the lights were turned off, the curtains closed, and candles lit up the room. Music played in the background. That's when it happened. Something changed in my heart. Something. I'm not even sure how to describe it. Sure, I might sound crazy. But I know it was God. God was there. It might be something you have to experience to understand. That inner emptiness was gone. I cried.

Rumors Of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated by Rise Against

So please don't ask me how
I ended up at my wits end and breaking down.
Pages torn from books we never read,
Cause we're plugged into this grid.
Don't pull this plug right now,
Or then we'd really have to live.

When I die, will they remember not
What I did, but what i haven't done?
It's not the end, that I fear with each breathe
It's life that scares me to death...

When we built these dreams on sand,
How they all slipped through our hands.
And this might be our only chance.
Let's take this one day at a time,
I'll hold your hand if you hold mine.
The time that we kill keeps us alive.

Your words won't save me now.
I'm at the edge feeling the sweat drip from my brow.
Get a grip on yourself is what they say,
Every hour every day.
Hands over my ears,
I've been screaming all these years

When I die, will they remember not
What I did, but what i haven't done?
It's not the end, that I fear with each breathe
It's life that scares me to death...

When we built these dreams on sand,
How they all slipped through our hands.
And this might be our only chance.
Let's take this one day at a time,
I'll hold your hand if you hold mine.
The time that we kill keeps us alive.


We came in search of answers
We left empty handed again.
Shots fired from the sky
Are now returning.
Where [in America] will you hide?
From the laughter in the closet, some alive
But the door hinges are squeaking
Letting in thin shards of light.
And now our hands extending outward,
Quiet comfort they invite,
And do we dare take what they offer?
Do we step into the light?

When I die, will they remember not
What I did, but what i haven't done?
It's not the end, that I fear with each breathe
It's life that scares me to death...

When we built these dreams on sand,
How they all slipped through our hands.
And this might be our only chance.
Let's take this one day at a time,
I'll hold your hand if you hold mine.
The time that we kill keeps us alive.

When we built these dreams on sand,
How they all slipped through our hands.
And this might be our only chance.
Let's take this one day at a time,
I'll hold your hand if you hold mine.
The time that we kill keeps us alive.

[By the way - some of my friends and I have decided that we will now say something relative to America instead of cussing. You should too. :)]

Certain boy is being irrationally and excessively stupid. This is why I usually try to refrain from getting too emotionally attached to people. I don't like him in that way anymore, and he is also no longer one of my close friends. Barely a friend at all.

Oh, how I despise drama. Rarely am I ever directly involved.

I'll leave it at this. He is a player. Seriously. I'd suspected that, but wasn't entirely sure. I am resisting a strong urge to hit him every time I see him, because he's caused a lot of tears amongst my friends. Yet I'm not actually supposed to know. He has a girlfriend, and a few days ago, he asked one of my close friends, who has a boyfriend, to kiss him. She said no, and she told me to not tell anyone. No one is addressed by names here, so we're okay.

This is all just dumb. Teenagers in general hold onto things for too long. Not to say that what he did wasn't wrong and hurtful, but you have to let things go, and realize that it's not going to work out, and don't keep trying again. You'll just end up getting hurt.

I passed that "MY BOYFRIEND. MY BOYFRIEND." phase a long time ago.

It feels weird not really having anyone's arms you can fall into and cry when your life is rapidly deteriorating. (It could get better, though.) The problem is, almost all boys I know either:

A) are extremely obnoxious and immature at handling situations.
B) don't understand me.
C) already have a girlfriend.

And if they aren't any of those things, then they're usually either

A) gay
B) on drugs
C) far away

Well, long distance relationships can work. But still. If you don't ever have anyone's arms to fall into or a shoulder to cry on, etc...

I'm going to get my butt out of here as soon as I can. And move very far away. :)

Songs that describe how I feel right now.

3 1/2 by AFI

Why am i this way?
Tell me why?
Why am i this way?
WHY???

Open wounds in the palms of my hands
festering through infectious time
I feel so faint as my life spills over you

Backstep over glass as I repent
I fear I cannot prevent myself
from spilling your life all over me

I'm so sick, so sick of myself
Mother, say you'll pray for me
I'm premature in my decay
Mother, say you'll pray for me

Shards of glass swimming in my eyes
A small voice in the back of my mind that's whispering words
I never want to hear

I pray that you won't hesitate
as you watch me degenerate
to reach in my wounds and extract all of my fear

I'm so sick, so sick of myself
Mother, say you'll pray for me
I'm premature in my decay
Mother, say you'll pray for me

My suffocation, asphyxiation
I've been choking on my own blood

I'm so sick, so sick of myself
Mother, say you'll pray for me

Damnation by Rancid

Lets go down town
Tell me what your seeing
Tell me what it's like
To get that old cold feeling
Spend all night just
looking at the ceiling
Living in a blown out
hotel building
All the machines are broken down
it's a narrow path
Between evil and good
Watch the strong man
In his decline
Another man dying
Is misunderstood

All I see is Damnation
Whole worlds gone to hell

Don't see things
the way the were
Only see things
the way they are now
Realize now that it's gone to far
Look into the eyes
of the dead and gone
Now all the machines
are broken down
it's a song and dance
between evil and good
Early stages of final decline
All alone misunderstood
Whole worlds gone to hell

All I see is Damnation
Whole worlds gone to hell
Whole worlds gone to hell
Whole worlds gone
Whole worlds gone
Whole worlds gone
Whole worlds gone to hell

I'd Do Anything by Simple Plan [XD]

Another day, is going by
I'm thinkin' about you all the time
But you're out there
And I'm here waiting

And I, wrote this letter, in my head
Cuz' so many things were left unsaid
But now you're gone
And I can't think straight

This could be, the one last chance, to make you understand, yeah

I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd DO ANYTHING
Just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me?
Cuz' I know I won't forget you

Together we, broke all the rules
Dreamin' of droppin' out of school
And leave this place
To never come back

So now, maybe after, all these years
And if you miss me have no fear
I'll be here
And I'll be waitin'

This could be, the one last chance, to make you understand
And I just can't let you leave me once again, yeah

I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
Will you remember me?
Cuz' I know I won't forget you

I close my eyes
And all I see is you
I close my eyes
I try to sleep, I can't forget you
Nanana, nanana
And I'd do anything for you
Nanana, nanananaaaa

I'd do anything
Just to hold you in my arms
To try to make you laugh
Somehow I can't put you in the past
I'd do anything
Just to fall asleep with you
To fall asleep with you
With you, yeah
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you
I'd do anything
There's nothing I won't do
I'd do anything
To fall asleep with you
I'd do anything
Cuz' I know, I won't forget you

I'm going to go ahead and admit that I have a problem. First, I'll explain the situation. Last year, I... had a problem. An emotional problem. I almost did something. If I had done that, I would have never met many of the people I love to death. You can go ahead and infer.

So that went away for quite a while, started back for a few days or weeks, even hours, then went away. When it isn't/wasn't there, I feel really happy and like I can do anything and that everything's going to be ok and super happy happy happy etc etc etc. It just happens out of the blue most of the time. Sometimes, something really minor will trigger it. But when it is there, there's just something inside my head just screaming dismality. Complete sorrow. Worthlessness. Just terrible self-hatred. AND BY THE WAY, I KNOW IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF AUNT FLO'S MONTHLY VISITS.

I don't know if it's bipolarity or just recurring depression. I don't really want to talk to my mom about it because I feel like I did something wrong... I know I haven't, but still... I just go through periods of possessing a deep hatred for myself. Then it goes away, and sometimes, I like myself a good deal. Eh, well, maybe some people understand. I don't really know anymore. It's kinda hard to explain.

Let's be happy now. So, I figured out how to play Holiday by Green Day on guitar by ear. Some people are like "wow, how the heck do you do that?" and I tell them that I don't really know how. It just kinda happens sometimes. You play a chord, it sounds like the song, you find the second chord, and it stems from there. The DC trip our school is going to take is postponed until late April or May because of the weather. :( At least it will be warmer.

Jude kept telling me today that certain boy and I would make a really cute couple. We were talking about going somewhere with a bunch of people on Friday because the trip is postponed... something's going to happen if we go somewhere. Seriously. Should I be scared? No, and I'm not really. More so anxious. I don't know. Then again, we'll be completely alone in the hallway for a few minutes tomorrow after school. Izzy, don't rush things. Just let them happen on their own. By the way, I worry about certain boy sometimes. I love him (because he's one of my best friends) and... blah. He concerns me. Not too terribly, but still.

That was a lot to say. I hope I didn't scare you. I'm sorry if I did. xD

desperate, but not hopeless

YESTERDAY MORNING I WAS HOLDING MY FRIEND'S HAND BECAUSE HER MOM HAS REALLY BAD CANCER AND IS IN THE HOSPITAL AND SHE WAS REALLY SAD, THEN CERTAIN BOY WAS JUST LIKE "WHAT, YOU'RE HOLDING HER HAND?"

And then we were just sitting in the gym for five or ten minutes holding hands. He has an infatuation with one of my good friends, who is in the grade below us, and she has a boyfriend, and I told her about how certain boy constantly talks about her, and she said that she did like him last year, but she's really happy with her boyfriend now.

You know what quite a few people want to tell him? "YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO OUT WITH HER. GIVE UP. YOU KNOW THAT THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE THAT YOU LIKE THAT ALSO LIKES YOU..."

We're going on a trip together to DC with our school. You just know something's going to happen. Friday. Uh oh. Seriously. :D

I sort of worry about him sometimes... he can get kind of self-destructive. Well, or he used to. Either way, I think he loses hope sometimes... and I'm the one that's relentlessly optimistic. I don't lose hope. Well, you know, living in today's world, of course I do sometimes, but you just have to learn to deal with things, maybe cry a little, and then just move on.

We're just disasters.

Currently, I'm debating whether to get a Les Paul Studio or a starter bass... I have barely enough in my life savings to buy a Les Paul. (Yeah, I know I'm not exactly a rich person.) I'm thinking I should just use that, because about 400-500 of that is money I've saved for a Les Paul over quite a few years. Then I'd just work my butt off for the next several years until I could pay the other 300-400 back that I didn't save.

Doesn't sound like too bad of an idea. I can't even play bass (yet!), but my guitar teacher says it's not too hard to learn once you play guitar. I think I'd still put guitar before bass, meaning I'd prefer to be the guitarist in a band rather than the bassist, but it would be nice to know and bassists can be hard to find, so I could be a band's bassist if they needed me to.

'Sometimes, I look at the night sky and wonder. Question. To think that there's something... because nothing lasts forever.'

'I'd love to tell you about it, but you probably would never fully understand.'

In the luminescence of the stars, under a clear night, we waited. We waited for each other to say something. Yet both of us were so nervous that we couldn't say anything. Or at least we thought so.

I went to Lauren's birthday party last night. It was fun. That certain boy is still confusing me. But we were alone in the backyard, and he told me he loved me. He's said that before, quite often in fact, but over text message. Later, he hugged me really close, and he wouldn't let go. I said 'This is awkward...' (not really meaning it) and he said 'Well, it's kind of a relationship hug.' Though he's not my boyfriend. (Yet.) Then we were laying on the couch with a bunch of people and he had his arm around me. He kept putting his arm around me the whole night. Near the beginning of the party, he pulled me aside and said 'You know what we should do?' 'What?' 'Nevermind...' I kinda have a strange feeling he almost kissed me, knowing him and having a good understanding of how boy's minds work. I think he thought about it several times. He's one of my best friends... I know how he is.

It would be nice if things could turn out right, turn out right for once.

[DON'T THINK I'LL EVER SEE THE DAY!... At the end of the longest line, that's where i will always be. If you need to find me, just go to the end of the longest line... I don't belong, this world is much too dangerous for someone lacking luck, like me.]

Anyways, I'll focus on my weird friends and what we did. Well, we kept running across the street (yes, I recognize that we're unbelievably smart) and of course, it's a relatively busy street... Then we got in Lauren's mom's car and had a party. Her little brother (who is 10) got on the roof, and we weren't too worried about that. I mean we were, but as far as him falling through, no. Then Shelby decided to get on the roof. Shelby is definitely not overweight, but she's a teenage girl. Big difference from a ten year old boy. So Sarah and I ran out of the car. And then everyone duct taped Ryan. And carried him to the bed room. And put him on the bed and left him there, and then he broke the duct tape, and ran outside, then Spencer, Alec, and Lauren's dog were all attacking Ryan. It was pretty weird.

Tristan was sitting in the chair, then Zara went and sat beside her. Tristan told me to sit on the other side. Leland walked over and sat on my lap. He fell off. xD. Then I told Tristan about the thing Cassidy made up where you go up to someone and start rubbing their arm and say 'You're so weird!' Tristan said that you should rub their face instead. (Then she did that to me. o_O. It was really strange.) Then she decided that we should rub their teeth instead if they don't have braces. So she did that to me. And we started rubbing each other's teeth at random times. :D Her boyfriend (who is one of my friends and does really weird things) saw us and jokingly asked if it was religious. We told him we were in the teeth-rubbing cult.

awkward and/or inappropriate/disgusting things my friends say

1. We were talking about showing good behavior in the hallways, because our school really has a problem with that, and then Chris, who says ridiculous things constantly, said

"Ms. Steger, someone drew a picture of a penis above my locker and it won't come off."

2. Teska, out of the blue when we're on the bleachers in the gym

"SPOILED BREASTMILK!"

3. Teska, in the same situation as above, the next day

"EXPIRED SPERM!"

4. Just sitting in the cafeteria, someone says something about pregnancy, then Cassidy said

"Gordan, you're pregnant?!"

5. "CASSIDY, MACK GOT MAD AT ME AND SHE'S TRYING TO CUT MY BUTT OFF!" - me

6. We were walking and Frances looked really sad. Tj kept asking her what was wrong, and she didn't say anything. I told him that it might be because he's a boy and he doesn't understand. Then he said really loud

"FRANCES, ARE YOU ON YOUR PERIOD?" [by the way, she said no]

7. We were talking about how boys should be glad that they don't have to deal with Aunt Flo's monthly visits and all the pain involved. Tj said

"So you're saying it doesn't hurt when guys get kicked in the balls? Well girls just don't understand. You all just have... like, a uteral or something."

8. One of my best friends (I'm not going to say who it is, in case someone who goes to my school reads this.) and I were walking to the buses together and he told me to grab his arm so he can pretend he's being held against his will and walk back with him to get another friend. I think he just likes us almost holding hands, but anyways, we were walking back, and another one of my best friends, Katie, (who knows that my other best friend and I like each other) saw us and said

"Is there something going on between you two now?"

He looked really embarrassed and quickly said "No" :)

9. Tori and I hugged each other several times when we were sitting in the gym with everyone, where we have to wait before school starts if we get there early. Amanda, who was sitting behind us, said

"Were y'all making out?"

"No...?"

"Well it looked like you were." She cracked up, and so did Leland and us, too.

10. Tori and Tj were fighting over me in the gym. Tori was hugging me, and Tj said

"Give it back! It's mine!"

"...it?" Then he just started laughing.

i love my friends. dearly.

and if something doesn't happen soon, regarding the certain best friend, well, i'll make something happen. okay, that sounded creepy. but you get what i mean, right?